Impulse.|a dream 4-12-09

I glanced at him again. "How could I feel this much and get nothing in return?", I thought to myself. Then a rage that I've never felt before came charging through my veins. I stared at his face, his lovely face. Then I glared into those dark green eyes of his and tears streamed from my eyes. What was I doing? How could I reveal how vulnerable I was like this? My thoughts racing, getting more and more angry each second. Hos eyes confused, he didn't understand. I was holding the necklace he had given me when he told me he loved me. It still layed across my chest. As the sorrow and rage roared up to my hands, I yanked the necklace from around my neck and threw it at him. "I can't be your friend when I still love you so much", I mumbled as my lips trembled. Then I opened the car door and ran to the house, never looking back. I slammed the front door behind and stopped, "What have I done?" I thought frantically as I slid down the door. A different pain then filled my body, regret.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL. I CAN'T STAND YOU.

thoughts that haunt..

what's the use in caring, if nobody else cares that you care?

If human beings are able to adapt to their surroundings so well,
how come i have yet to?

There's no such thing as long distance anything.

but you see its my heart on the line..

This girl, she gets excited to be around him. "Can a heart beat too fast?", she thinks. She believes every single word he says, every lie he mutters. She cares so much for him that she doesn't notice he gives her no eye contact. He tells her "I love you, so very much." In translation all he's saying is, "I'm using you, get out while you can." But she doesn't comprehend. He fills her with those butterflies, she believes they're good feelings. She worries all the time, she thinks that's normal. She has a right to worry. She is so foolish. I loathe her and her stupidity. He knows what he's doing, that she clings to every word he says. He knows how it will end. But deep down he's enjoying it. I despise him and his explicit morals. Understood by everyone but her. She is so niave when it comes to matters of the heart. There's a massive wall that blocks her common sense, yet she is still so very oblivious. I just wish she could read his mind, his awful thoughts..dirty, wrong. I feel sorry for her. She will live her life like that, she will never change. Feeling things for people who do not feel for her. She lives in her own imagination, where to her, they'll love her as much as she loves them. And when it ends, which it always will, she will blame herself when it's clear to everyone but herself she did nothing wrong. Nothing except open her heart too much to the ones who have none. That guy will not be the only one. He will injure her, more than he understands. Emotionaly unstable, she will be. What fools they both are.

It's unclear to me, and always will be, why we human beings put ourselves in situations that will, in the end, result in unconditionable damage to our physical and, more importantly, our emotional stability. We truely are human. How pitiful.

What a hypocrisy..

just a thought..

What if love doesn't really exist? That it's just a made up feeling that people thought of to cover up the real feeling of lust. I mean, the people that believe in love, some even say that they can't tell the difference between love and lust. Well, how could you tell the difference? It's a mystery i guess. You'll never know if love is actually real, and if it is, you may not be able to determine if what you think you're feeling is love or lust. I'm just a little confused about that i guess..I mean honestly, which would be better anyways? There probably is a difference between the two, but i'm just not getting it.

Do I want love, or do I want lust?
Do I want either?

A Monument To A Methodical Realm

I sit here and I stare like the world stares, I ponder like the world ponders, I fade like the world fades. These words I write down, type down, they are no different then what others have written, what others have felt. I am like everyone else. I dream big as the world dreams big, even bigger. I wish what others have wished. I live; indifferent. I yearn for an unparalleled world. A world where, maybe, birds swim in the deepest oceans and fish soar to the highest places. Maybe a world where mountains are cookie jars and dogs bark with english accents. A kind of unrivaled universe where hug in the middle of conversations and wave with the back of their hands. Make me a world where words are read and said from the middle, out and where twins are unreal. Then maybe, just maybe, I can live in that world and feel unique, finally feel anomalous.

Take for example, the way I speak. I speak with my tongue and not with my teeth. I have an accent of a foriegn local. I dress how I like, as does everyone else. I dye my hair in weird fashions,only to resemble someone else. I have not my own personality, I just gather parts from others, and I have depression spots to match depressed people. I'm happy as others around me are happy. My smile has lips, tongue and teeth, as do yours. The same, always the same. You, I, we can try to be different, try to be nonpareil, but i'm betting you at that very moment, there is someone else, doing the same thing. How is that different? We live in a world bigger than life, where singularity is impossible. Good luck to us all.

it's called Shapeshifting, and it's a marvelous talent for one who hates themselves..

No matter how hard I try,
it's like I no longer can tell my wants from my needs anymore,my wishes from my hopes, or my feeling from my thoughts.

Oh if only I could be more like you...

with your care-free attitude, and your life moto of 'everything happens for a reason'. You take chances with your eyes closed shut, not knowing what will happen and at the same time not caring. If things turn out for the worst, you just shrug your shoulders and say, " hey, there's always tomorrow." no matter if you really believe there'll even be a tomorrow..you just don't care. "There's no need for caring.." you say, "life is too short for such a thing." I admire you for that, I look up to you, I idolize you. Too much, too soon. You've made up your mind at a very young age to view life in this way, and you've worked so hard at it for so long that your not caring has overcome you. Instead of just not caring, or taking situation too seriously, you've just stopped caring all together. You're not able to care for people anymore. You're not able to even, love. So tell me this, was it worth it?...

...But what's the difference if you don't care?

I think it's time I found my own way, don't you?

"I've got one hand grasped tightly on the past."

I think I keep holding on to the past for too long and too tight. I've wanted to go back so long that I can't let myself go forward. I've forced myself to try and be the same person I was a year ago, when what I really need to do is change, to move on. I've kept the idea in my head that we'd be together again. That if I just stayed the way I was, that if I just kept my life on pause that you'd realize you made a mistake. I mean honestly, deep down, I always knew that I was just being stupid. That in the constant struggle with myself to be what you wanted, I was losing myself. Do I sincerely think writing this down will help me in any way? Ofcourse not. So why? I have no clue. I don't have the self control to make myself do what I know I need to, and I hate it! I admire you, for taking your life as far as you have. For doing what you've always wanted to do. For moving on like we all need to do. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in 2007. I'm eighteen, and I don't even have a learners, nor any future plans. I'm pathetic. It's like I'm in a glass box, staring out at everyone else as they choose their careers, travel, have relationships. And I'm just stuck in that box. I try to join them, but all i end up doing is banging against that glass wall. And I give up, and sit back down in my glass corner. I'm not saying you made that glass box, but you helped. Nothing is your fault. I blame everything on myself, as I've done all my live. Because it's my fault I can;t get over you.

I wonder though..Do I really need to get over you, to move on? I've been thinking that for so long that it's just been the only solution it seems. But now-a-days i've been thinking that loving you is apart of who I am. I can and will never stop. So why not just accept that and ..move on. I don't know, I might even be happy for once. I might be able to have a future. I keep thinking, how can you be friends with someone you love? I mean wouldn't it just hurt more? But I've realized that If you love the person as much as you think, then you can't have them not in your life. So I will be your friend. I will never give up on us though. And at the same time, i will try to move on.

The only person I can blame for hating my life is me,
because I'm too lazy to change it.

the sleeping pills might be too much for her now.

addiction to the solution.

the feeling of relief, the release of pain.
so so free. can you feel it? sit back and all silent.
close your eyes and just feel it.

the pain in your head, sticks your temples oh so feriously.
touch your head. feel the viens throbbing.
you pop that cap. they'er blue? take two.
now just two more.
just lay down like always. stare up at the cieling.
count the spaces? count the lines?
you feel your heart beat faster. is that supposed to happen?
doesn't matter, you like it.
close you eyes for the last time tonight.
you feel...
the throbbing slowly passes,
your viens subside.
feels as if the pain in
lifts from your head like mist
from the highway.
and then, relief.
so so free.
goodnight.

but the pain is gone.
are you sleepy yet?
get up, get dizzy.
is that the addiction?
or the solution?

..next thing you know,
you wake up on the cold hard floor.
and the pain is back.
so you do it all again tonight?
there's the addiction.

a war of head vs heart

i'm extremely tired of this feeling that keeps overwelming me.

And she says to her head:
You're in a bind. Stop pretending you're something you're not. It's a bit scary sometimes how little you communicate with me. I thought we were friends. Can you even imagine anymore? Did I break you in some way? This all started with that guy. I apologize for getting carried away, for letting my heart over power you like always. The truth was behind you all along, wasn't it? Always in the back, all alone in that dark corner. I never even gave it a glance. That fucking organ is just to powerful for its own good. I thought he ripped it out for good, but no. It stays around, hovering. Filling you with thoughts and feelings. All of those false feelings. All of those fictitious thoughts. Damn you! Do you have anything else to say? Remind me from time to time that I'm only human, kay? It's a wonder how you're still as sane as you are. He really fucked us up, didn't he?

And she says to her heart:
You can't keep doing this. Mend already! Stop beating so fast or get the fuck out. I'm over exaggerating still. I keep pretending with you and so does my head. We can be stronger than you, I believe that; but still you get your way every time. What are those sharp pains you have going on? My head says his name, and you jump. My head hears his voice, and you melt. My head see's his face, and you freeze. What's this connection you guys have? Like you're really one function. But yet, my head knows the truth and you hide it from me. He hurt you, I know. He almost killed you, I know. So please tell me why you still clinge on to him. You fill yourself with hope when my head knows there is none. You keep pulling me where nothing is. You keep chasing what isn't catchable. Just leave it alone already. Move on.

And she says to him:
Bastard. Do you not understand what you're doing to me? Do you not care? Are you truely that simple minded. Is your heart sincerely that cold? You've caused me to become a war of head vs heart. But no matter what I end up losing. I can't believe you think my head is that stupid. But it knew the true you. It knew when it heard you say, "i love you" that is was NOTHING but a lie. And you knew my heart. You knew how careing and tender is was, you took advantage you stupid fuck. I am no longer sane because of you. I am no longer whole because of you. I am no longer myself because of you. But you'll never know because you are just too naive..no. You are just too stupid to realize what you've done..what you're doing. And I wonder, if you ever did figure it out, would you care? Just do me a favor?.. Stop breathing.

Everything Starts With A Question. Why?

Self-control takes power, therefore I am powerless.
There's a girl, dressed in red. She wears her heart on her sleeve and a bow on her head. She takes a pill everyday to keep stable. She keeps them in a bottle, in a box on the table. She's a lovely little girl, always does what she's told. She fixes her bed and wears a jacket when it's cold. She always says please and she always says thankyou. She keeps everything in order and does nothing when she wants to. She smiles all the time, every second of every day. You'd think, "but she only smiles on the inside", is what I'd say. But no, this girl smiles from the inside out. From what i've told you, you're probably wondering what this girl is all about. Well let me tell you about those pills she takes. When she takes those pills her life she fakes. They keep her naive, as crazy as that is to believe. She has to take one every day or else she feels. She's taken them for so long, any kind of emotion kills. I beg of you to not feel sorrow, for she can't feel pain. But sometimes they worry when she runs out, what will remain.

Thoughts..

I'm going to miss you like crazy no matter what,
so why does it matter if we're together or not.
Atleast if we were together, i'd have something to be
happy about, that I had you.


i'm not getting over this.

Why Is It You Think You Can't Feel, When You're Feeling Too Much?

Can you see those mountains in the distance? Beyond that river and past those trees. Where you can clearly and unmistakably feel that breeze. It takes a while to get there, if you have a drive to find that place. What place? Happiness. Are you determined to find that place? To feel that breeze upon your face? If you have the will you'll pass that stubborn river, where the waters are hurried and deep. If you have the will you'll venture into that forest, where the tree's look haunted and tend to seep, gradually into the distance. They seem to be infinit, this journey seems to be discontent. You hear a voice inside your head, screaming and nawing at you like a child unfed. Telling you to give up, telling you to turn back. Feeding upon those skills of which you lack. Will you let that voice, that puny little voice of, not consern, but fear keep you from succeeding. DON"T LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HEAR! I believe that if you want it more then anything, if you'll use it for more than just something, than you can reach those wonderful moutains. You can cross that contumacious river. You can surpass those unyielding tree's in that troubled forest. And when you do, when you feel that breeze, that indisputable breeze. Then you'll realize that, that feeling you seek to feel so intensly, that feeling of simple happiness is no further than inside of you. How cliche but yet incredibly true.

The buttons on my phone are worn thin, I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.

i am so naive: thinking i was special. when in reailty; i was just another girl whose tried and failed.
i am so torn: between what i think and how i feel. i know my head should win, but it never stands a chance.
i am so tired: it takes alot to care for someone like i do you, and get nothing in return but fibs and little white lies.
i am unable: to stop what i do, how i am, and how i view things in life just because i know it's all wrong; to take control of my emotions and hide them from the world just because i know it won't change anything; to be happy with myself, to be optimistic, to look on that fucking bright side,
simply because you think it will make me better.
you are so unlike me...

feelings are feelings.
no matter how strong they are,
no matter often you feel them,
no matter if you feel the same.
everyone has them.
just try to understand.

This is not what I intended..

for longer than i remember love has been a four letter word to me. I threw it around, putting it infront of objects, verbs...people. It's amazing how you can do things for so long and not realize it, until it's too late. I used to think the worst feeling in the world was to be worried... i was wrong. It's what comes after the worry. Sometimes relief kills. Everything builds up and then... you let go.

hope
faith
trust
love

meaningless...

I WANT..

the Poke'mon complete seasons dvd.
i want them all!

Pokémon: The Original Series
Pokémon: Indigo League [83 episodes]
Pokémon: The Adventures In The Orange Islands [35 episodes]
Pokémon: The Johto Journeys [41 episodes]
Pokémon: Johto League Champions [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Master Quest [65 episodes]

Pokémon: Advanced Generation Series
Pokémon: Advanced [40 episodes]
Pokémon: Advanced Challenge [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Advanced Battle [54 episodes]
Pokémon: Battle Frontier [49 episodes]

Pokémon: Diamond And Pearl Series
Pokémon: Diamond And Pearl [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Diamond And Pearl Battle Dimension [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl Battle! [12+ episodes]

i dont know if any exist, but if you find it.
or anything like it, let me know!
i want them sooooo bad.
even if individualy, but prefered
in like a box set of all 11 seasons [10, since last season is still in progress]

thankyou<3

I'm obsessed and stressed with this mess, i can't think of things to write down, to type down. And these fingertips are moving faster than these lips.

idk

"I feel like i lost you for good.im just jealous thats all."

please, stop!

but I hate saying Goodbye.

I keep looking over at the bed, but you're not there. It makes me want to cry, but I can't. I can't because, what if this all isn't real? What if it's not meant to be what I want it to be? And if I cry, then that means i'm feeling it. I'm feeling, what I didn't want to feel again... Love.

And then I cry..

A story unravels as I stare into the room. I worked for hours on what I thought was a very important part of my day. I see you as you pull up and my heart jumps, races, then stops. It didn't matter now, appearance. Seeing you, standing there as I walked up, looking into your dark eyes, I remembered..the feeling. I never really forgot, it was more just tucked in a part of my brain, stored I guess would be a better word. I placed it there for a while so that I wouldn't feel it. You see, no matter how great the feeling is, no matter how wonderful it makes you feel. Without you, that feeling, it just isn't real. So I placed it away, where I didn't have to feel it. Then I saw you, I felt you and I needed not to look for that feeling. It came rushing back to me as I stood there in your arms. Nervous? A little. But I couldn't help but smile.

& i can't think of anybody else who i hate to miss, as much as i hate missing you

my unlce had a drinking problem.
my uncle had a drug problem.
my unlce smoked too much.

and he died.

i am an addict

there's some words that you say that just make me feel so low, but then again, there are some words that make me feel so high.

i could bite my tounge, but its already so bruised

you make me...

can i really start it like that. it's so used and abused. ohwell.

you make me feel.
i can't take it sometimes, the things that you do. you don't know i know,but i figured who doesn't? it's all a mystery of romance. takeing turns to tell who misses who more. words, words and more words. a writer at heart and i can't take anymore words. is that wrong? it's odd for me to explain. always on my mind, like one of those old cliche pop songs. la la laa..
forever and ever, the part i don't get. tooo many words. lets use our bodies to say what we want to say. so tell me, tell me more. over and over again, now that forever and ever i can understand. one more time now, what was that? hey, listen. i just need to know. if this is real. far far away, i know i know. but, simply. is it real? i could go on and on with this. asking and asking, your opinion. i care so much for what you have to say. are you just pretending? look deep down and tell me.. is this real? . . .

it's time to finish this with something real, dontchu think? i figure, that maybe one day. i'm alittle tired of those two words.."one day". i want for those words to be erased, i want to replace them with "right now". doesn't that sound better? i knew it would. trust is a big word. a long time ago, i trusted. no ones the same, i know. but can you really blame me? would you trust you? that's a little odd to ask, but really. ask yourself, maybe it will make more sense. does it? you can't answer, can you? it amazes me, how ridiculously accurate i can be. i hate being right. oh look, more words. more words that im not saying to you. i find it funny how close to sarcastic i am while writing this. now how does that sound?

kiss me and i'll close my eyes and imagine us together, like we always dreamt. hand in hand, an old married couple yet our love as young as we were.

not finished..

In about 1year youll have it all figured out,these big city dreams are what youre about,walking like stangers among these states,only time will tell..

Why do I fucking hate it here so much? I mean I was heartbroken as much in Bluffton as I was here, but it hurts more here. I always feel bad here. I mean I felt bad a few times in Bluffton but when I get here it like triples! WHY THE FUCK?! It makes no sense. I hate this. I just wish it was easy to leave here, to get out, but everything has to be so complicated. UGH. Fuck everything!

Why do I always fall for the guys that are, unreachable? Out of my league? Undatable? This is so stupid. I mean, I can't help it though. I didn't mean to have these feelings, well I mean I've always liked him, but I didn't expect to fall this hard. I never wanted to with him, so I kept myself distant, in the emotional way atleast. But now, I'm fucked. And, once again, distance. Is it love? "love"? I have no clue. But it's the closest thing I've felt to it, besides.. "him". I don't know what to do. I feel I can't trust him, It doesn't matter anyways i guess, since we can't be together. WHY DO I DO THIS?!? I mean come on, I just got through a broken heart, not too long ago and now I'm doing it again, to myself! I just want to stop! Right now! I just can't go with being alone, feeling nothing for anyone, i guess. I just hate myself so much, UGH! This is fucked up. JUST STOP!. . .

untitled

He walked to his bed, then remembered and fell to his knee's. "why did i do what i did?", he screams. looks for an answer, all left is silence. The unmistakable feeling of guilt and fear overcome him, for the first time. His heart is tense. He gets to his feet and walks outside, stares at the grass and then remembers. "We used to play there", he says. "We used to have picnics and watch the squirrels chase each other." He starts to cry, then wipes his eyes. "I can't feel this way..I can't care like this. It was my fault in the first place, I did it, I ended it. I took away two peoples happiness. But for what? " He stands there, his lips shakings. Seems like hours before he came back to reality. He looks around; there's old men mowing the grass, little kids playing hide and seek, people walking their dogs. "I used to be normal", he thought. "I used to be like that. Can't I have that back?" He walks inside and sits in a chair. It was their chair, he remembers. "We used to sit together, there was never any room but that didn't matter. I loved being that close to her. I loved feeling her with me.." He stops. " This is unbelieveable", he screams. " Ridiculous, even, that i'm feeling this way. It was better this way, better for us. I couldnt handle it before..but can i handle this?.. of course I can, I have to. Admit I made a mistake? Never. I can't, I won't." He stands up, then sits back down. "What if she's feeling the same way? What if she still misses me? Could we got back?.." His head falls down, "No. No we couldn't. I know how much I hurt her. We're so far apart. What if it happens again? What if I mess up again?" He stands up then walks to the kitchen. "I didn't mess up! This is the way it has to be. We can't go back anyways.." [to be continued]