I think it's time I found my own way, don't you?

"I've got one hand grasped tightly on the past."

I think I keep holding on to the past for too long and too tight. I've wanted to go back so long that I can't let myself go forward. I've forced myself to try and be the same person I was a year ago, when what I really need to do is change, to move on. I've kept the idea in my head that we'd be together again. That if I just stayed the way I was, that if I just kept my life on pause that you'd realize you made a mistake. I mean honestly, deep down, I always knew that I was just being stupid. That in the constant struggle with myself to be what you wanted, I was losing myself. Do I sincerely think writing this down will help me in any way? Ofcourse not. So why? I have no clue. I don't have the self control to make myself do what I know I need to, and I hate it! I admire you, for taking your life as far as you have. For doing what you've always wanted to do. For moving on like we all need to do. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in 2007. I'm eighteen, and I don't even have a learners, nor any future plans. I'm pathetic. It's like I'm in a glass box, staring out at everyone else as they choose their careers, travel, have relationships. And I'm just stuck in that box. I try to join them, but all i end up doing is banging against that glass wall. And I give up, and sit back down in my glass corner. I'm not saying you made that glass box, but you helped. Nothing is your fault. I blame everything on myself, as I've done all my live. Because it's my fault I can;t get over you.

I wonder though..Do I really need to get over you, to move on? I've been thinking that for so long that it's just been the only solution it seems. But now-a-days i've been thinking that loving you is apart of who I am. I can and will never stop. So why not just accept that and ..move on. I don't know, I might even be happy for once. I might be able to have a future. I keep thinking, how can you be friends with someone you love? I mean wouldn't it just hurt more? But I've realized that If you love the person as much as you think, then you can't have them not in your life. So I will be your friend. I will never give up on us though. And at the same time, i will try to move on.

The only person I can blame for hating my life is me,
because I'm too lazy to change it.

the sleeping pills might be too much for her now.

addiction to the solution.

the feeling of relief, the release of pain.
so so free. can you feel it? sit back and all silent.
close your eyes and just feel it.

the pain in your head, sticks your temples oh so feriously.
touch your head. feel the viens throbbing.
you pop that cap. they'er blue? take two.
now just two more.
just lay down like always. stare up at the cieling.
count the spaces? count the lines?
you feel your heart beat faster. is that supposed to happen?
doesn't matter, you like it.
close you eyes for the last time tonight.
you feel...
the throbbing slowly passes,
your viens subside.
feels as if the pain in
lifts from your head like mist
from the highway.
and then, relief.
so so free.
goodnight.

but the pain is gone.
are you sleepy yet?
get up, get dizzy.
is that the addiction?
or the solution?

..next thing you know,
you wake up on the cold hard floor.
and the pain is back.
so you do it all again tonight?
there's the addiction.

a war of head vs heart

i'm extremely tired of this feeling that keeps overwelming me.

And she says to her head:
You're in a bind. Stop pretending you're something you're not. It's a bit scary sometimes how little you communicate with me. I thought we were friends. Can you even imagine anymore? Did I break you in some way? This all started with that guy. I apologize for getting carried away, for letting my heart over power you like always. The truth was behind you all along, wasn't it? Always in the back, all alone in that dark corner. I never even gave it a glance. That fucking organ is just to powerful for its own good. I thought he ripped it out for good, but no. It stays around, hovering. Filling you with thoughts and feelings. All of those false feelings. All of those fictitious thoughts. Damn you! Do you have anything else to say? Remind me from time to time that I'm only human, kay? It's a wonder how you're still as sane as you are. He really fucked us up, didn't he?

And she says to her heart:
You can't keep doing this. Mend already! Stop beating so fast or get the fuck out. I'm over exaggerating still. I keep pretending with you and so does my head. We can be stronger than you, I believe that; but still you get your way every time. What are those sharp pains you have going on? My head says his name, and you jump. My head hears his voice, and you melt. My head see's his face, and you freeze. What's this connection you guys have? Like you're really one function. But yet, my head knows the truth and you hide it from me. He hurt you, I know. He almost killed you, I know. So please tell me why you still clinge on to him. You fill yourself with hope when my head knows there is none. You keep pulling me where nothing is. You keep chasing what isn't catchable. Just leave it alone already. Move on.

And she says to him:
Bastard. Do you not understand what you're doing to me? Do you not care? Are you truely that simple minded. Is your heart sincerely that cold? You've caused me to become a war of head vs heart. But no matter what I end up losing. I can't believe you think my head is that stupid. But it knew the true you. It knew when it heard you say, "i love you" that is was NOTHING but a lie. And you knew my heart. You knew how careing and tender is was, you took advantage you stupid fuck. I am no longer sane because of you. I am no longer whole because of you. I am no longer myself because of you. But you'll never know because you are just too naive..no. You are just too stupid to realize what you've done..what you're doing. And I wonder, if you ever did figure it out, would you care? Just do me a favor?.. Stop breathing.

Everything Starts With A Question. Why?

Self-control takes power, therefore I am powerless.
There's a girl, dressed in red. She wears her heart on her sleeve and a bow on her head. She takes a pill everyday to keep stable. She keeps them in a bottle, in a box on the table. She's a lovely little girl, always does what she's told. She fixes her bed and wears a jacket when it's cold. She always says please and she always says thankyou. She keeps everything in order and does nothing when she wants to. She smiles all the time, every second of every day. You'd think, "but she only smiles on the inside", is what I'd say. But no, this girl smiles from the inside out. From what i've told you, you're probably wondering what this girl is all about. Well let me tell you about those pills she takes. When she takes those pills her life she fakes. They keep her naive, as crazy as that is to believe. She has to take one every day or else she feels. She's taken them for so long, any kind of emotion kills. I beg of you to not feel sorrow, for she can't feel pain. But sometimes they worry when she runs out, what will remain.

Thoughts..

I'm going to miss you like crazy no matter what,
so why does it matter if we're together or not.
Atleast if we were together, i'd have something to be
happy about, that I had you.


i'm not getting over this.

Why Is It You Think You Can't Feel, When You're Feeling Too Much?

Can you see those mountains in the distance? Beyond that river and past those trees. Where you can clearly and unmistakably feel that breeze. It takes a while to get there, if you have a drive to find that place. What place? Happiness. Are you determined to find that place? To feel that breeze upon your face? If you have the will you'll pass that stubborn river, where the waters are hurried and deep. If you have the will you'll venture into that forest, where the tree's look haunted and tend to seep, gradually into the distance. They seem to be infinit, this journey seems to be discontent. You hear a voice inside your head, screaming and nawing at you like a child unfed. Telling you to give up, telling you to turn back. Feeding upon those skills of which you lack. Will you let that voice, that puny little voice of, not consern, but fear keep you from succeeding. DON"T LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HEAR! I believe that if you want it more then anything, if you'll use it for more than just something, than you can reach those wonderful moutains. You can cross that contumacious river. You can surpass those unyielding tree's in that troubled forest. And when you do, when you feel that breeze, that indisputable breeze. Then you'll realize that, that feeling you seek to feel so intensly, that feeling of simple happiness is no further than inside of you. How cliche but yet incredibly true.

The buttons on my phone are worn thin, I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in.

i am so naive: thinking i was special. when in reailty; i was just another girl whose tried and failed.
i am so torn: between what i think and how i feel. i know my head should win, but it never stands a chance.
i am so tired: it takes alot to care for someone like i do you, and get nothing in return but fibs and little white lies.
i am unable: to stop what i do, how i am, and how i view things in life just because i know it's all wrong; to take control of my emotions and hide them from the world just because i know it won't change anything; to be happy with myself, to be optimistic, to look on that fucking bright side,
simply because you think it will make me better.
you are so unlike me...

feelings are feelings.
no matter how strong they are,
no matter often you feel them,
no matter if you feel the same.
everyone has them.
just try to understand.

This is not what I intended..

for longer than i remember love has been a four letter word to me. I threw it around, putting it infront of objects, verbs...people. It's amazing how you can do things for so long and not realize it, until it's too late. I used to think the worst feeling in the world was to be worried... i was wrong. It's what comes after the worry. Sometimes relief kills. Everything builds up and then... you let go.

hope
faith
trust
love

meaningless...

I WANT..

the Poke'mon complete seasons dvd.
i want them all!

Pokémon: The Original Series
Pokémon: Indigo League [83 episodes]
Pokémon: The Adventures In The Orange Islands [35 episodes]
Pokémon: The Johto Journeys [41 episodes]
Pokémon: Johto League Champions [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Master Quest [65 episodes]

Pokémon: Advanced Generation Series
Pokémon: Advanced [40 episodes]
Pokémon: Advanced Challenge [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Advanced Battle [54 episodes]
Pokémon: Battle Frontier [49 episodes]

Pokémon: Diamond And Pearl Series
Pokémon: Diamond And Pearl [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Diamond And Pearl Battle Dimension [52 episodes]
Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl Battle! [12+ episodes]

i dont know if any exist, but if you find it.
or anything like it, let me know!
i want them sooooo bad.
even if individualy, but prefered
in like a box set of all 11 seasons [10, since last season is still in progress]

thankyou<3