Coheed and Cambria - Wake Up

I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argue
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window

I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I love you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever
If morning never comes for either one of us
Then this I pray to you wherever

I'll do anything for you
This story is for you
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you)
I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I loved you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up

"i love you." says the compulsive liar.

get on your knees

for some reason, when i'm talking to a guy that i like, it just makes me melt, when they say my name. ha, i dont mean it in a nsty way, like "omg, say my name bitch!" ha NO! i mean, just when you're in a conversation, and they're talking to you, and they actually say your name, it just makes me happy. b/c sometimes it feels like they're just talking, doesnt matter who to, just talking. but when they say it, i know that they know they're talking to me, ahh idk, i think this will probably sound lame. but its just a feeling of mine. just thought i'd share, incase anyone else feels like that too, ha. <3

check check 1, 2. Alright here goes nothin'

yea =], i am ohkay.

& i don't breathe the way i used to.

so yea. MHM, idk. im, ohkay i guess, at the moment at least. it's like i've gotten even more bipolar acting then i was. like i'll be ohkay one minute then horrible the next, and any little thing can cause it. i mean, idk, i guess it really is going to take a long time, longer than anyone realized. it's just i mean some people just dont understand. when you've been with someone for so long, you just get used to stuff, you get used to them. so, yes, its going to take a long time, but i think i'm getting there. slowly & almost surely. i'm not going to lie, i'm going to miss everything but, you know, i just want him to be happy. and honestly i dont think he was with me. which also makes me a little sad. but as long as he is now, then, i might be ohkay. mhm, on another note: idk why but i feel fat like all the time. its so weird b/c i used to not be like this, like i mean i used to kid around that i was fat or chubby or whatever b/c i used to be a long time ago. but i was never serious, but now its just like, i cant even think about food without making myself sick. i look in the mirror and im like, eww, its so gross. idk what to do. mhm, i need to start running. but im always so tired. idk, i'll deal with it though. mhm what else? oh, im really excited that i get to go to Bluffton Friday! YAY! ha, i hope my dad remember's how to get there and i hope he gets off early, so i wont miss alot of Lindsey's party. idk what to get her. i might just get her a card, i've never been good at that kind of thing. but yea, i can not wait, i get to see everyone,..well almost everyone. well i've been listening to Never Shout Never all day today. and he makes me smile a little. ='[ ahh! there it goes again, the reminding, i hate when i do that. i used to wish that they made a pill or something to help your memory, now i just want one, to make them go away...

You wana have sex? Have sex. You wana make love? Make love. You wana feel the truth of love? Then hold his hand while he kisses your cheek.

All i ever do, is just sit here and think...and think...and think. I'm so tired of thinking. ugh, so very tired of it. My mind going in all different directions, it like one of those bombs that make the mushroom clouds. One minute i'm happy, one minute im sad and the next minute im crying my eyes out, and for why? i have no idea. i'm so confused. i dont know what to feel, or how to feel it. it feels like im so alone. i have nothing to look forward to now, nothing to be excited for. you spend a year and something of your life focused on one thing, focused on one person, and then in the matter of seconds, its all gone. everything you hoped for, every part of the future you thought you'd have, you wanted to have, it's all gone. How i'm i supposed to get over that? How i'm i supposed to move on, when my heart doesn't want to. My heart wants to stay, to finish what it started. My heart wants to keep loving the person it's been loving and has always loved. It's so unfair. I will never get over it, i will never move on. Part of me is ohkay with that, part of me is hoping, so very hard that you will change you mind, that you will tell me you will try, that you want to try. and the other half of me knows..knows that it is over, knows that it will always be over, but all of me doesn't want that, all of me wants to stay, with you, always and forever, just like you promised. Omg, you promised! you fucking pinky promised, to my face, to my heart, that we could make it through this, that no matter how far apart we were, that we would always be together. and i believed you! i believed you so much! GOD! every time i think i'm close to being over it, it just comes rushing back. every little thing reminds me of you, reminds me of us, reminds me of how we will never be again. How can it not hurt you?!? How are you not feeling like i'm feeling?!? i mean i don't want you to feel bad, i dont want you to hurt, i really dont. but then , i do! i want you to feel everything! just as much as i am! i want you to understand! how much i fucking hurt all the time! all the fucking time! and how much i just can't help it!. . . . i feel like a trainwreck.

For Now..

i've realized;

that no matter how much i put myself out there, no matter how hard i fall, how much i give myself to them; i am not right for love. Love, for me, is not something that lasts forever, love is pain. always has been and always will be. you crushed me, into a million pieces, i feel it was all a lie, everything, it might not be true, but thats all i can feel right now. i tried so hard, i gave everything, i risked my whole heart, every fucking part of me..just for you. "just for you", fo you even remember that? that peom i wrote you, but ofcourse not, it doesn't mean anything. you may not think so, but you are just like the rest, only part is, i loved you. i gave you my heart, all my feelings, every single fucking part of me, i told you stuff, that i've told no one else. i trusted you, with my love. and what do i get in repay. i get broken. how am i suppsed to get over that? tell me! i need to know, because right now i'm getting no where. im stuck in heartbreak and there is no way out. everything reminds me of you. we can be friends? can we really? how can we be friends when i still love you so much. you've broken me so much, and i still fucking love you. damnit! it makes me hate myself! dont you get it!?! just tell me you don't love me, tell me the real reason. wasn't just distance, i mean , after we've been together that long, to break up over distance. deep down i know the reason. i dont want it to be but it is. i can't "move on". why can;t people realize that. I JUST want them to feel what im feeling, how i feel all the fucking time. i want YOU to feel it. and then tell me what im supposed to do. how im supposed to foget. im complaining now, yes, and i dont fucking care. ive been worried so much about how people will react, what people will think. will they get tired of me being sad all the time, will they get annoyed with me talking about it. and that makes me feel so stupid. yes! STUPID. i am stupid. for many reasons. i would just like it, if i would just stop thinking...

If I had a world of my own,everything would be nonsense.Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't.And contrary-wise;. . .

Sometimes there's no real difference between not wanting to and not being able to. I mean, if you can't laugh, doesn't it mean that deep down you don't want to, or if you don't want to, it may mean you can't.

We all live in our on wonderland, where nothing makes since to ourselves...

[inspired by chris, actually.]

it continues...

"Is it realization that makes us suffer? The thought of knowing that keeps us under? It amazes me, how much people think. The wonders we seek. I believe, we're all better off not knowing, we're all better off naive. Like when we were children and life was good. We didn't know love, saddness, fear, not even real happiness. We just felt bliss. Wouldn't you want that back?... Is it really the realizations that make us suffer? Is it really the thought of knowing that keeps us under? It really does amaze me, how much people think." - cls

To this extent i don't know what to feel. I know what i want to feel, i want to feel like i did, i want to go back. i'd give anything to go back. I don't want you to hurt, but i don't want me to hurt either. I thought we were doing ohkay. I mean, yea, it hurt sometimes. When i didn't get to talk to you for a couple of days, when i'd leave you messages and you wouldnt have time to reply; but i knew you were busy. If i would have known that you would have..could have ever done this. I wouldn't have wrote you things like i did. complaining. i can't stop blaming myself. i cant eat, i feel sick all the time, i cant talk to anyone without feeling like im going to explode with tears. i hope this ends soon. i just want to be with you again. I think the only thing majorly hurting me now, is seeing you with someone else, pictureing it. it kills me, it really does. i hate it. just the thought of someone taking my place, haveing what we had, it makes me so angry, so angry that it makes me cry, even more. i havent stopped you know..not once.

12/08/08 - the end

the end of us.

feels like my heart got ripped out and sent through a blender. ill never stop crying, it seems. it'll never stop hurting, it feels. even though we're still friends, i am going to miss everything we were. ill hold you, always&forever, in my heart. til that one day, that one wonderful day, we are together again. i'll always love you chris, always&forever...=[ JUST like the heart says.

August 21, 2007 - December 08, 2008 <3

What is you theory on the Past?

It really does amaze me on how different and yet alike people are. How many theores there are in this world, how many opinions. Well in this note im focusing on "the past". I don't have a strict set theory on the subject. I agree with many views, all at the same time. I mean i believe people should not dwell on the past, yet the past should not be forgotten. I believe that people should not be judged on their past mistakes, but those mistakes should not be forgotten and in some way, be stuck to that person, for other to be aware. I'm a little confused about the whole matter, but i feel i will always be. Does your past make who you are, is it who you are? Would you want to be judged by what you've done, even if you can not change it? Or, do you believe that people are better of forgetting the past, all together? tell me...

Here are some theories:

"The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus,we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so." - Blaise Pascal

"I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now." - Sophia Loren

" I don't think the human mind can comprehend the past and the future. They are both just illusions that can manipulate you into thinking there's some kind og change." - Bob Dylan

" For the majority of us, the past is a regret, the future an experimant." - Mark Twain

" There are two days in the week about which and upon which i never worry..Yesterday and Tomorrow." - Robert Jones Burdette

" The past is of no importance. The present is of no importance. It is with the future that we have to deal. For the past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are." - Oscar Wilde

" People who live in the past generally are affraid to compete in the present. I've got my faults, but living in the past is not one of them. There;s no future in it. " - Sparky Anderson

" When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect five off the greatest glow of happiness. " - Bob Hope

" The past is never there when you try to go back. It exists, but only in memory. To pretend otherwise is to invite a mess." - Chris Cobbs

" The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it." - Wendell Berry

" For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future. " - John F. Kennedy

" Philosophy finds it an easy matter to vanquish past and furture evils, but the present are commonly too hard for it." - Francios de La Rochefoucauld

" You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on iy. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space. " - Johnny Cash

" As in geology, so in social institutions, we may discover the causes of all past changes in the present in variable order of society. " - Henry David Thoreau

" History is a relentless master. It has no present, only the past rushing into the future. To try to hold fast is to be swept aside. " - John F. Kennedy