Impulse.|a dream 4-12-09

I glanced at him again. "How could I feel this much and get nothing in return?", I thought to myself. Then a rage that I've never felt before came charging through my veins. I stared at his face, his lovely face. Then I glared into those dark green eyes of his and tears streamed from my eyes. What was I doing? How could I reveal how vulnerable I was like this? My thoughts racing, getting more and more angry each second. Hos eyes confused, he didn't understand. I was holding the necklace he had given me when he told me he loved me. It still layed across my chest. As the sorrow and rage roared up to my hands, I yanked the necklace from around my neck and threw it at him. "I can't be your friend when I still love you so much", I mumbled as my lips trembled. Then I opened the car door and ran to the house, never looking back. I slammed the front door behind and stopped, "What have I done?" I thought frantically as I slid down the door. A different pain then filled my body, regret.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL. I CAN'T STAND YOU.

thoughts that haunt..

what's the use in caring, if nobody else cares that you care?

If human beings are able to adapt to their surroundings so well,
how come i have yet to?

There's no such thing as long distance anything.

but you see its my heart on the line..

This girl, she gets excited to be around him. "Can a heart beat too fast?", she thinks. She believes every single word he says, every lie he mutters. She cares so much for him that she doesn't notice he gives her no eye contact. He tells her "I love you, so very much." In translation all he's saying is, "I'm using you, get out while you can." But she doesn't comprehend. He fills her with those butterflies, she believes they're good feelings. She worries all the time, she thinks that's normal. She has a right to worry. She is so foolish. I loathe her and her stupidity. He knows what he's doing, that she clings to every word he says. He knows how it will end. But deep down he's enjoying it. I despise him and his explicit morals. Understood by everyone but her. She is so niave when it comes to matters of the heart. There's a massive wall that blocks her common sense, yet she is still so very oblivious. I just wish she could read his mind, his awful thoughts..dirty, wrong. I feel sorry for her. She will live her life like that, she will never change. Feeling things for people who do not feel for her. She lives in her own imagination, where to her, they'll love her as much as she loves them. And when it ends, which it always will, she will blame herself when it's clear to everyone but herself she did nothing wrong. Nothing except open her heart too much to the ones who have none. That guy will not be the only one. He will injure her, more than he understands. Emotionaly unstable, she will be. What fools they both are.

It's unclear to me, and always will be, why we human beings put ourselves in situations that will, in the end, result in unconditionable damage to our physical and, more importantly, our emotional stability. We truely are human. How pitiful.

What a hypocrisy..

just a thought..

What if love doesn't really exist? That it's just a made up feeling that people thought of to cover up the real feeling of lust. I mean, the people that believe in love, some even say that they can't tell the difference between love and lust. Well, how could you tell the difference? It's a mystery i guess. You'll never know if love is actually real, and if it is, you may not be able to determine if what you think you're feeling is love or lust. I'm just a little confused about that i guess..I mean honestly, which would be better anyways? There probably is a difference between the two, but i'm just not getting it.

Do I want love, or do I want lust?
Do I want either?

A Monument To A Methodical Realm

I sit here and I stare like the world stares, I ponder like the world ponders, I fade like the world fades. These words I write down, type down, they are no different then what others have written, what others have felt. I am like everyone else. I dream big as the world dreams big, even bigger. I wish what others have wished. I live; indifferent. I yearn for an unparalleled world. A world where, maybe, birds swim in the deepest oceans and fish soar to the highest places. Maybe a world where mountains are cookie jars and dogs bark with english accents. A kind of unrivaled universe where hug in the middle of conversations and wave with the back of their hands. Make me a world where words are read and said from the middle, out and where twins are unreal. Then maybe, just maybe, I can live in that world and feel unique, finally feel anomalous.

Take for example, the way I speak. I speak with my tongue and not with my teeth. I have an accent of a foriegn local. I dress how I like, as does everyone else. I dye my hair in weird fashions,only to resemble someone else. I have not my own personality, I just gather parts from others, and I have depression spots to match depressed people. I'm happy as others around me are happy. My smile has lips, tongue and teeth, as do yours. The same, always the same. You, I, we can try to be different, try to be nonpareil, but i'm betting you at that very moment, there is someone else, doing the same thing. How is that different? We live in a world bigger than life, where singularity is impossible. Good luck to us all.

it's called Shapeshifting, and it's a marvelous talent for one who hates themselves..

No matter how hard I try,
it's like I no longer can tell my wants from my needs anymore,my wishes from my hopes, or my feeling from my thoughts.

Oh if only I could be more like you...

with your care-free attitude, and your life moto of 'everything happens for a reason'. You take chances with your eyes closed shut, not knowing what will happen and at the same time not caring. If things turn out for the worst, you just shrug your shoulders and say, " hey, there's always tomorrow." no matter if you really believe there'll even be a tomorrow..you just don't care. "There's no need for caring.." you say, "life is too short for such a thing." I admire you for that, I look up to you, I idolize you. Too much, too soon. You've made up your mind at a very young age to view life in this way, and you've worked so hard at it for so long that your not caring has overcome you. Instead of just not caring, or taking situation too seriously, you've just stopped caring all together. You're not able to care for people anymore. You're not able to even, love. So tell me this, was it worth it?...

...But what's the difference if you don't care?

I think it's time I found my own way, don't you?

"I've got one hand grasped tightly on the past."

I think I keep holding on to the past for too long and too tight. I've wanted to go back so long that I can't let myself go forward. I've forced myself to try and be the same person I was a year ago, when what I really need to do is change, to move on. I've kept the idea in my head that we'd be together again. That if I just stayed the way I was, that if I just kept my life on pause that you'd realize you made a mistake. I mean honestly, deep down, I always knew that I was just being stupid. That in the constant struggle with myself to be what you wanted, I was losing myself. Do I sincerely think writing this down will help me in any way? Ofcourse not. So why? I have no clue. I don't have the self control to make myself do what I know I need to, and I hate it! I admire you, for taking your life as far as you have. For doing what you've always wanted to do. For moving on like we all need to do. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in 2007. I'm eighteen, and I don't even have a learners, nor any future plans. I'm pathetic. It's like I'm in a glass box, staring out at everyone else as they choose their careers, travel, have relationships. And I'm just stuck in that box. I try to join them, but all i end up doing is banging against that glass wall. And I give up, and sit back down in my glass corner. I'm not saying you made that glass box, but you helped. Nothing is your fault. I blame everything on myself, as I've done all my live. Because it's my fault I can;t get over you.

I wonder though..Do I really need to get over you, to move on? I've been thinking that for so long that it's just been the only solution it seems. But now-a-days i've been thinking that loving you is apart of who I am. I can and will never stop. So why not just accept that and ..move on. I don't know, I might even be happy for once. I might be able to have a future. I keep thinking, how can you be friends with someone you love? I mean wouldn't it just hurt more? But I've realized that If you love the person as much as you think, then you can't have them not in your life. So I will be your friend. I will never give up on us though. And at the same time, i will try to move on.

The only person I can blame for hating my life is me,
because I'm too lazy to change it.

the sleeping pills might be too much for her now.

addiction to the solution.

the feeling of relief, the release of pain.
so so free. can you feel it? sit back and all silent.
close your eyes and just feel it.

the pain in your head, sticks your temples oh so feriously.
touch your head. feel the viens throbbing.
you pop that cap. they'er blue? take two.
now just two more.
just lay down like always. stare up at the cieling.
count the spaces? count the lines?
you feel your heart beat faster. is that supposed to happen?
doesn't matter, you like it.
close you eyes for the last time tonight.
you feel...
the throbbing slowly passes,
your viens subside.
feels as if the pain in
lifts from your head like mist
from the highway.
and then, relief.
so so free.
goodnight.

but the pain is gone.
are you sleepy yet?
get up, get dizzy.
is that the addiction?
or the solution?

..next thing you know,
you wake up on the cold hard floor.
and the pain is back.
so you do it all again tonight?
there's the addiction.