I think it's time I found my own way, don't you?

"I've got one hand grasped tightly on the past."

I think I keep holding on to the past for too long and too tight. I've wanted to go back so long that I can't let myself go forward. I've forced myself to try and be the same person I was a year ago, when what I really need to do is change, to move on. I've kept the idea in my head that we'd be together again. That if I just stayed the way I was, that if I just kept my life on pause that you'd realize you made a mistake. I mean honestly, deep down, I always knew that I was just being stupid. That in the constant struggle with myself to be what you wanted, I was losing myself. Do I sincerely think writing this down will help me in any way? Ofcourse not. So why? I have no clue. I don't have the self control to make myself do what I know I need to, and I hate it! I admire you, for taking your life as far as you have. For doing what you've always wanted to do. For moving on like we all need to do. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in 2007. I'm eighteen, and I don't even have a learners, nor any future plans. I'm pathetic. It's like I'm in a glass box, staring out at everyone else as they choose their careers, travel, have relationships. And I'm just stuck in that box. I try to join them, but all i end up doing is banging against that glass wall. And I give up, and sit back down in my glass corner. I'm not saying you made that glass box, but you helped. Nothing is your fault. I blame everything on myself, as I've done all my live. Because it's my fault I can;t get over you.

I wonder though..Do I really need to get over you, to move on? I've been thinking that for so long that it's just been the only solution it seems. But now-a-days i've been thinking that loving you is apart of who I am. I can and will never stop. So why not just accept that and ..move on. I don't know, I might even be happy for once. I might be able to have a future. I keep thinking, how can you be friends with someone you love? I mean wouldn't it just hurt more? But I've realized that If you love the person as much as you think, then you can't have them not in your life. So I will be your friend. I will never give up on us though. And at the same time, i will try to move on.

The only person I can blame for hating my life is me,
because I'm too lazy to change it.