I'm obsessed and stressed with this mess, i can't think of things to write down, to type down. And these fingertips are moving faster than these lips.

idk

"I feel like i lost you for good.im just jealous thats all."

please, stop!

but I hate saying Goodbye.

I keep looking over at the bed, but you're not there. It makes me want to cry, but I can't. I can't because, what if this all isn't real? What if it's not meant to be what I want it to be? And if I cry, then that means i'm feeling it. I'm feeling, what I didn't want to feel again... Love.

And then I cry..

A story unravels as I stare into the room. I worked for hours on what I thought was a very important part of my day. I see you as you pull up and my heart jumps, races, then stops. It didn't matter now, appearance. Seeing you, standing there as I walked up, looking into your dark eyes, I remembered..the feeling. I never really forgot, it was more just tucked in a part of my brain, stored I guess would be a better word. I placed it there for a while so that I wouldn't feel it. You see, no matter how great the feeling is, no matter how wonderful it makes you feel. Without you, that feeling, it just isn't real. So I placed it away, where I didn't have to feel it. Then I saw you, I felt you and I needed not to look for that feeling. It came rushing back to me as I stood there in your arms. Nervous? A little. But I couldn't help but smile.

& i can't think of anybody else who i hate to miss, as much as i hate missing you

my unlce had a drinking problem.
my uncle had a drug problem.
my unlce smoked too much.

and he died.

i am an addict

there's some words that you say that just make me feel so low, but then again, there are some words that make me feel so high.

i could bite my tounge, but its already so bruised

you make me...

can i really start it like that. it's so used and abused. ohwell.

you make me feel.
i can't take it sometimes, the things that you do. you don't know i know,but i figured who doesn't? it's all a mystery of romance. takeing turns to tell who misses who more. words, words and more words. a writer at heart and i can't take anymore words. is that wrong? it's odd for me to explain. always on my mind, like one of those old cliche pop songs. la la laa..
forever and ever, the part i don't get. tooo many words. lets use our bodies to say what we want to say. so tell me, tell me more. over and over again, now that forever and ever i can understand. one more time now, what was that? hey, listen. i just need to know. if this is real. far far away, i know i know. but, simply. is it real? i could go on and on with this. asking and asking, your opinion. i care so much for what you have to say. are you just pretending? look deep down and tell me.. is this real? . . .

it's time to finish this with something real, dontchu think? i figure, that maybe one day. i'm alittle tired of those two words.."one day". i want for those words to be erased, i want to replace them with "right now". doesn't that sound better? i knew it would. trust is a big word. a long time ago, i trusted. no ones the same, i know. but can you really blame me? would you trust you? that's a little odd to ask, but really. ask yourself, maybe it will make more sense. does it? you can't answer, can you? it amazes me, how ridiculously accurate i can be. i hate being right. oh look, more words. more words that im not saying to you. i find it funny how close to sarcastic i am while writing this. now how does that sound?

kiss me and i'll close my eyes and imagine us together, like we always dreamt. hand in hand, an old married couple yet our love as young as we were.

not finished..

In about 1year youll have it all figured out,these big city dreams are what youre about,walking like stangers among these states,only time will tell..

Why do I fucking hate it here so much? I mean I was heartbroken as much in Bluffton as I was here, but it hurts more here. I always feel bad here. I mean I felt bad a few times in Bluffton but when I get here it like triples! WHY THE FUCK?! It makes no sense. I hate this. I just wish it was easy to leave here, to get out, but everything has to be so complicated. UGH. Fuck everything!

Why do I always fall for the guys that are, unreachable? Out of my league? Undatable? This is so stupid. I mean, I can't help it though. I didn't mean to have these feelings, well I mean I've always liked him, but I didn't expect to fall this hard. I never wanted to with him, so I kept myself distant, in the emotional way atleast. But now, I'm fucked. And, once again, distance. Is it love? "love"? I have no clue. But it's the closest thing I've felt to it, besides.. "him". I don't know what to do. I feel I can't trust him, It doesn't matter anyways i guess, since we can't be together. WHY DO I DO THIS?!? I mean come on, I just got through a broken heart, not too long ago and now I'm doing it again, to myself! I just want to stop! Right now! I just can't go with being alone, feeling nothing for anyone, i guess. I just hate myself so much, UGH! This is fucked up. JUST STOP!. . .

untitled

He walked to his bed, then remembered and fell to his knee's. "why did i do what i did?", he screams. looks for an answer, all left is silence. The unmistakable feeling of guilt and fear overcome him, for the first time. His heart is tense. He gets to his feet and walks outside, stares at the grass and then remembers. "We used to play there", he says. "We used to have picnics and watch the squirrels chase each other." He starts to cry, then wipes his eyes. "I can't feel this way..I can't care like this. It was my fault in the first place, I did it, I ended it. I took away two peoples happiness. But for what? " He stands there, his lips shakings. Seems like hours before he came back to reality. He looks around; there's old men mowing the grass, little kids playing hide and seek, people walking their dogs. "I used to be normal", he thought. "I used to be like that. Can't I have that back?" He walks inside and sits in a chair. It was their chair, he remembers. "We used to sit together, there was never any room but that didn't matter. I loved being that close to her. I loved feeling her with me.." He stops. " This is unbelieveable", he screams. " Ridiculous, even, that i'm feeling this way. It was better this way, better for us. I couldnt handle it before..but can i handle this?.. of course I can, I have to. Admit I made a mistake? Never. I can't, I won't." He stands up, then sits back down. "What if she's feeling the same way? What if she still misses me? Could we got back?.." His head falls down, "No. No we couldn't. I know how much I hurt her. We're so far apart. What if it happens again? What if I mess up again?" He stands up then walks to the kitchen. "I didn't mess up! This is the way it has to be. We can't go back anyways.." [to be continued]